A Week in the Life of Gustavo

"Seems to think that if he fails to write, la migra will find him."--OC Weekly More merriment available at ronmaydon@yahoo.com

segunda-feira, novembro 10, 2003

Some of this stuff hasn't even been put into the New file. And now, the Cola Wars

1929 Coca-Cola ends its use of Weapons of Mass Addiction, namely the drug cocaine. It never sheds the chemical agents 7X and Merchandise #5, however.

1972 Pepsi infiltrates the Soviet Union.

1975 The Pepsi Challenge commences in Dallas, TX.

1977 Pepsi annexes Pizza Hut.

1978 Pepsi annexes Taco Bell.

1984 Michael Jackson wounded by a pyrotechnic device during a Pepsi propaganda filming.

23 Apr 1985 Coca-Cola withdraws the original formulation and replaces it with New Coke.

11 Jul 1985 In a strategic retreat, Coca-Cola announces plans to bring back Coke Classic.

1986 Pepsi annexes Kentucky Fried Chicken.

1996 Arms deal gone awry: As a gag, Pepsi offers a $23 million Harrier jump jet for 7,000,000 Pepsi points. When a pool of investors coughs up 15 points and a check for $700,008.50, an apprehensive Pepsi stonewalls. The terms of the promotion permitted customers to purchase points at a rate of ten cents each. The matter soon winds up in court.

15 Sep 1997 Coca-Cola's website taken down after cyberattack.

19 Jun 2000 Coca-Cola infiltrates North Korea.

Feb 2002 Qibla Cola launched in England.

May 2002 In a surprise pre-emptive strike against the upcoming Vanilla Coke, Pepsi Blue is unleashed.

May 2002 Operation Barbarrosa: disastrous Vanilla Coke campaign begins.

27 Aug 2002 On his television show The O'Reilly Factor, Bill O'Reilly declares a boycott against Pepsi-Cola.

Nov 2002 Mecca-Cola launched in France. According to the website, the drink exemplifies a "rejection of American politics, imperialism and hegemony and a protest against the Zionist crime financed and supported by America." In an interview, CEO Tawfiq Mathlouthi explains: "We are against American policy. We made it clear from the beginning. And we don't care what they will think, I mean the American administration, we are against them. We don't agree with the foreign policy of the United States. We don't agree with the American imperialism. We say it very, very clearly and in an active way, and anyone who buys a Mecca-Cola bottle is making an act of protest against the American politics and also against the crimes of Zionism."

28 Oct 2003 Lawrence Andrew Rodriguez is arrested in Port Richey, Florida for allegedly knocking a kid unconscious and stealing his Pepsi.